Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
