did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Randomize
