Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
