M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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