I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
