i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
