my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
