It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If that was your dad, he is hot
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
