Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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