My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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