Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
