I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
