I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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