awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just want nice things and good sex
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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