So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I touched a dick in church today
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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