hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
