Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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