I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
