I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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