Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize