oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
