I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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