i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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