Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
