Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
