I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
