He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
