Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
