Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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