Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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