I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
