All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
