I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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