I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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