I'm sorry my penis didn't work
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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