What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
