It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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