Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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