yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
