When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
