What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
