M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
