The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
