mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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