Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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