Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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