i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
