Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
