Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
