u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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