I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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