I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I have aggressive nipples.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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