I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize