When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
