you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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